Putting Families First

A couple of weeks ago Mike broached the subject of accountability. Now that word alone is one that most would say they need in their life, but few actually have. Even for those who do have it, the accountability they have is very weak and it does more to serve their own needs than to truly be used as a sharpening tool. For me personally, I hit a huge crossroads in my life with accountability this last year when I turned 30. For one I realized that though I said I had accountability, I actually did not. Another hard fact that I had to face was that if I did not soon gain some accountability I was dangerously close to losing my ministry. And by ministry I don't mean my job, my position at my church or even my peers and friends. By ministry I mean my wife and soon to be three little boys. You can take all of the previous things away from me and I will live just fine. If I lose my family, I'm a dead man.
This sobering reality set me on a quest to build some strict accountability into my life. It is hard to put into words my thoughts, and for me to even use the word strict, I am afraid that some will take what I mean by that word out of context. I have had the legalistic, rules based accountability at times in the past and quite frankly, it didn't work for me. No one likes to be motivated by the fear of failure of not achieving every point on a list. Sorry, but that strategy just flat out sucks. No, what I was looking for was grace based. I needed trench warfare comrades, who in my dark moments wouldn't scold me for missing the mark, but would get down and dirty with me and build me up. I needed men who would hold me accountable, but not be judges over me. I needed men who would not be afraid to straighten me out if need be, but not because of rules, because they had a deep driven love for me, my family and most importantly my savior.
As I journeyed down this road, the Lord revealed to me the names of 6 men. I call these men once a month and I write a detailed email to them once a month. Some I meet with regularly because it's geographically possible. Most I see once a year. These men are family to me. I love them like brothers. Most importantly my family love these men.
Now what does this have to do with family? I'm about to tell you. In my quest to find accountability, God showed me that aside from the Holy Spirit, my greatest accountability sleeps next to me at night. When I started my strategy I told Amber and these men that the purpose of this accountability was not to be a secret keeping society. Every month when I send my email, Amber gets to read it if she chooses. When I have my phone calls, I try and stay in the room that Amber is in, for my part of the conversation at least. The last thing I want is for my relationship with anyone to supersede the relationship I have with my wife. She is my partner, my help meet, my soul mate. She deserves to know everything as painful as that may be.
Below is an example of the latest email I sent out to my "Pals". It is a perfect picture of my philosophy of putting family first in accountability.
"The next week was our 8th anniversary and we had one of the best talks we’ve had in years. We went out to dinner and then to the park at the airport to talk, and I do mean talk. Notice how there is no quote mark around the word talk. She mentioned how she had been talking with some of her friends about how men face temptations with porn and with women in general. She said that at one time it may have killed our marriage if she knew I struggled with that stuff, but that she was beginning to realize how much of a temptation and struggle that really is for men. Although she would never excuse me for doing it, she wanted me to know that she knew she needed to help me more with that struggle. You want to talk about a picture of grace. I used to always feel guilty about Amber getting mad at me if I ever looked at anything. Now I don’t want to do it because I know she is fighting for me to not fall victim to it. I truly have a treasure in my wife. Since that night we have had a deeper since of openness and intimacy in our conversations with one another. We don’t feel like we need to hold anything back because we know there is no judgment from the other, only grace and love. That is true motivation to live holy lives. I could share more, but basically I know I am a blessed man who has been given way more than I deserve."

All I know is that I discovered that I can't do it alone. When we are evaluating where we are in our accountability relationships, if we are married, it dang sure ought to start with the person lying next to us.